


When She Was

by howdidyousleep



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-27
Updated: 2018-11-27
Packaged: 2019-09-01 08:30:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 2,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16761610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/howdidyousleep/pseuds/howdidyousleep
Summary: She's taking her time making up the reasonsTo justify all the hurt inside, guess she knowsFrom the smiles and the look in their eyesEveryone’s got a theory about the bitter one— To the Moon and Back, Savage Garden





	1. Chapter 1

when she was little, she went on a treasure hunt.

there was a scroll in the mailbox, a clue to guide her to the next. her father drove her all over town to seek each next scroll until they ended up in their own backyard, where she dug up a red toolbox full of little treasures and trinkets.

it made her smile. it made her father smile.

it was the last time she can recall a truly happy memory of her father.


	2. Chapter 2

when she was young, her father introduced her to dungeons & dragons.

he gave her a character sheet and sat her down at the dining room table. he served as the dungeon master and described a tavern and its patrons.

one in particular caught her juvenile attention: an elf maiden with a basket of flowers. so she asked to know more about the maiden. he elaborated on her, setting up a quest for her to venture on.

instead she asked if she could have one of the flowers. she was seven, maybe eight. she liked flowers.

he stood from the table and angrily declared that she wasn’t taking it seriously, so they wouldn’t play.

it was the first time she failed one of his tests. it was not the last.


	3. Chapter 3

when she was in elementary school, her best friend said she didn’t want to be friends anymore.

the girl explained how she was embarrassed to be friends with someone who wore stupid colorful leggings instead of jeans. so they weren’t friends anymore, unless she changed her clothes.

she went home in tears and collapsed on her bed to heave silent sobs. her mother came in and stroked her hair, asking what was wrong, and tutting softly as the explanation came between hitched cries and snotty snuffles.

“well,” her mother said, “you can either have friends, or not.”

her mother spent most of her time either at work or on the computer. in her dreams, monsters were clawing at her while her mother faced away, distracted, more interested in something else while she screamed and begged and was swallowed up in darkness, ignored.

her mother still doesn’t understand why that was not the right advice to give.

after a lot of thought, she decided she wanted friends. so she did whatever it took to keep the only one she had.

she did whatever it took to keep any friend she made, because she believed that changing herself was the only way to have them.

she didn’t know that she had any value. she never learned that. she was never told.


	4. Chapter 4

when she was twelve, they moved.

for all her life, her father was only home on some weekends. he worked in a different state, driving home on friday and leaving on sunday. it was exhausting, so sometimes he just stayed in a hotel and didn’t come home.

she didn’t know who he really was. they told her moving would let them be a family. she didn’t know that wasn’t a good thing, so she was excited.

they didn’t have a new home lined up when they moved, so they piled into a two-bedroom apartment. that was okay because she’d always shared a room with her five-years-younger sister.

her parents decided that homeschooling was best.

her mother took up the role of teacher, since she didn’t work anymore, but she still loved her computer games and online business. her mother was more familiar from behind, washed in the glow of a computer screen.

so she didn’t do much schoolwork. and there were no kids her age in the whole apartment complex. she only had her sister, who was seven and too young and annoying.

she was alone.


	5. Chapter 5

when she was alone, she tried to find a friend.

she rode her bike through the complex. she explored the forest nearby. she didn’t find anyone to play with.

so she decided to try the internet her mother loved. she found a chatroom, she met people, and she wasn’t alone anymore.

she discovered roleplaying. her world exploded with possibilities. she became someone else. she was popular and interesting and beautiful.

she met a boy. he may have been a man. she doesn’t know. he flirted with her, and she liked the attention.

excitedly, she told her parents she had a boyfriend. they forbade it. she talked to him anyway.

then she got an email from him that he’d sent to his entire contact list. it was a dirty email between him and someone who wasn’t her. one by one, more emails piled in, “reply all” mishaps from other girls and women demanding who everyone else was, why he’d lied, what was going on, how she was supposed to be his girlfriend.

she was heartbroken.


	6. Chapter 6

when she was thirteen, she went back to public school.

she hadn’t talked to real people who weren’t her family in a year. she forgot how.

the only person who would talk to the weird, anxious, awkward girl was not a nice person. but the girl talked to her when no one else would, so she was happy to have a friend again.

the girl made demands of her. she eagerly complied. she was told to print pictures of boys because the girl didn’t have a printer, so she did. she was told to talk to the girl’s crush, so she tried, but she wasn’t good at it. so the girl punched her arm.

every time she messed something up, the girl would punch her arm. but she wanted to have a friend, so she let her. she never complained.


	7. Chapter 7

when she was fourteen, a boy asked her on a date.

he made her feel stupid and slow but not alone. he made her feel special because he asked her to be his girlfriend. he wore her hair as a bracelet and she collected his used drink cans.

then he took her to his church, but they skipped the sermon to go behind the benches outside. he got her to lie down and he climbed on top of her, and he took her first kiss with lots of tongue in her mouth.

she hated it but she didn’t want to not be his girlfriend. so she let him kiss her whenever they were alone.

he wanted her to hang out with him and not the girl who was mean to her, and his friends became her friends, so she was glad to have them instead.

but when they were around his friends, he kept their relationship a secret. he only held her hand under the table where no one could see.

he said it was because it wasn’t anyone’s business. she believed him. she didn’t want to believe otherwise.


	8. Chapter 8

when she was still fourteen, her boyfriend wanted to have sex.

he asked her to come over to his house after school. her parents thought he was such a good and wonderful boy and they were going to get married. they never said no when he wanted her to come over. she never gave them a reason to.

he always wanted to make out when she was over. she always wanted to make him happy. but this time was different.

after he had her on her back and was on top of her, he stopped kissing her to ask if she liked him. she said she did. he asked her to prove it and started to lift her shirt.

she didn’t fully understand what he wanted. her parents hadn’t given her a real sex talk yet. but she knew she didn’t like what he was doing, so she tried to stop him.

he didn’t want to stop.

he told her she’d do this if she really liked him. she started to cry.

when she pushed him as hard as she could and got him off her, she ran out of the house. she called her parents to come pick her up.

by the time they arrived, she had stopped crying. they didn’t ask any questions. she didn’t say anything.


	9. Chapter 9

when she was home, he called her on the phone.

she didn’t want to talk to him. he wanted to break up. she hung up and cried in bed.

she wondered if she’d made a mistake. she didn’t want to lose her first real boyfriend. she tried to figure out how to fix this.

he called again and again. her father came into her room and demanded she speak to the boy. he liked him. he didn’t know he shouldn’t.

she listened as her ex-boyfriend explained that he was going to find his path to happiness. he explained that she wasn’t it but that he still wanted to be friends.

she didn’t want to be alone, so she said that was okay.

the next day she found out he had a new girlfriend he’d been seeing for a few months already.

it broke something inside her. no one understood why. all they saw was the anger that resembled normal teenage angst.


	10. Chapter 10

when she was trying to be friends with the boy who broke her, she got an idea.

she flirted with the boy’s best friend.

he was a good guy and never had a girlfriend before. they talked over messenger. she got him to admit he liked her.

she told the ex-boyfriend about how she’d liked the good guy for a while. even while they were dating. he was mad that she’d cheated on him in her heart. she didn’t point out the hypocrisy and apologized.

the good guy asked her to the school dance. when they got there, he was so nervous he threw up. they danced together and she tried not to breathe in the smell of vomit on his breath.

a few days later, the good guy told her that he loved her. she didn’t understand how or why. she hadn’t meant for this to happen.

she broke up with him on the spot. they never spoke again.


	11. Chapter 11

when she was alone again, she returned to the internet.

the online world was easier than reality. she didn’t have to see the boy who broke her heart. she didn’t have to see the good guy whose heart she broke.

she didn’t have to be a broken person. she could be funny and interesting and perfect.

she started to roleplay again. she made characters that were strong and confident and sexy. characters that wouldn’t lose their boyfriend because they were afraid.

she met someone who wanted to roleplay just the two of them. he was eighteen and when she told him her age, he was surprised that someone so young could be so funny and clever and smart. she liked hearing those things.

he asked her for a picture, so she sent one. he called her beautiful. she sent him more.

then he asked for a picture with her shirt off. she hesitated so he promised to reward her. he came up with a system where he could earn points in their roleplay sessions.

he wanted pictures of her in just her underwear. he wanted her to scan her stomach. he wanted pictures of her bare shoulders.

it was wrong and she knew that but she did it anyway because she was starved for the praise.

she’s afraid that he’ll come back into her life at any moment with the pictures. she knows it’s wrong that he has them, that he would get in trouble. but she’s ashamed of herself and hopes he deleted them and forgot her.


	12. Chapter 12

when she was fifteen, she went to a different high school than her ex-boyfriend and met someone new.

the girl was the kind of rebel who dyed her hair a new color every few months. she was cool and played video games and stole lipstick from boutiques.

she wanted to be the girl’s friend.

they became friends and got up to no good. the girl taught her how to steal little trinkets from stores. she never stole anything herself, but she went with the girl to cover for her while she did.

they stole a popular girl’s calculator and hit it with hammers to break it apart.

they played grand theft auto and she played as the hooker. it seemed appropriate. she didn’t question why.

when they played soul caliber and she was winning, the girl would get mad and shove her over to distract her. over time the girl got more violent, because she never complained or told her to stop.

she wasn’t sure why her friends kept turning out this way. she was sure it was because there was something wrong with her.

once was unfortunate. twice was suspicious. thrice, and there was only one common factor to point the blame.


	13. Chapter 13

when she was sixteen, her best friend’s best friend came back from a foreign exchange program.

she didn’t know about this other girl. her best friend had never talked about this other girl before. but she looked at her facebook and she saw the history.

it also made her realize she wasn’t a part of her best friend’s life. there were no pictures of them together. there were no posts about her. she didn’t exist.

it didn’t take long to feel their friendship fading. she sat on her bed and cried because she knew she was going to be alone again.

her father came in and asked what was wrong. she asked why she didn’t have any friends.

“if I were your age, I wouldn’t want to be your friend.”

she still cries when she remembers how deeply those words hurt her.


	14. Chapter 14

when she was sixteen, she gave up.

she had made plans to hang out with her best friend, but when she reminded the girl of them, there was hesitation.

“oh, sorry, but I’m going to go over to her house instead.”

and that was when she realized that no matter how hard she tried, she would never have true friends. she would never be good enough.

this was always going to be her life. it would never change.

she didn’t want to be alone, but no one wanted her.


	15. Chapter 15

when she was sixteen, she swallowed a bunch of pills.

she went home. her mother was preoccupied, as always. her father was at work, as always. her sister knew not to bother her, as always.

she grabbed a couple bottles of tylenol. she didn’t know what she was doing. she knew she was in pain and she wanted it to stop.

she poured a large glass of water and took it all to her desk. as she cried alone, she swallowed pill after pill. one bottle dropped to the floor, empty. she opened the next. she kept going until she’d taken them all.

and then she waited. she waited for it to all stop.

she waited for everything to turn to black.


End file.
